Current mood:	awake
Current music:	Peter Nashel - "You're Not Coming With Me?"

"i spent most of the day on saturday shopping for a tuxedo for my sister's wedding."
so i was supposed to have a date with tim on friday night but i canceled at the last second. i was just in a lousy mood and i didn't want to be around anyone so i went to the gym and called it an early night. he wasn't in the best mood either so i didn't think it would be a good idea to hang out. i put my phone on vibrate and totally missed a drunken call from kayla, her sister and her friends. they wanted me to meet them out at match. i wish i had received that call, drunk girls are fun!

i spent most of the day on saturday shopping for a tuxedo for my sister's wedding. john and i literally went to about 15 stores, shops and boutiques and couldn't find anything. no one had anything smaller than a 38 regular and unfortunately i'm a lot smaller than people think i am. one guy in particular was all, "let me see a 38 or 40 on you" and i'm all, "i'm a 36 short." and he's all, "no way, let me see you in the 38." and he was like "oh, you're right. you're drowning in this suit." i have a small waist but my arms are big so people assume i'm that big i guess. i'm like, "dude i told you, i've got a 28 waist, a 36 chest, and i'm only 144 pounds and my shoulders aren't that broad." i also specifically was looking for a suit with classic clean lines, tailored to my body right up to the arm pit. i want stick legs etc. i just want it very fitted. i know surprise surprise, but i already have a suit that's been tailored for me but my shoulders still look way too large.

he suggested i have a tailor make me a suit. he gave me the name of a good tailor so i'll try to get in to see him this week otherwise i think i'm going to have to take a day off work this week and go to new york to find something. he's guessing it will cost me about $2000.00 which i will just put on my mastercard; so much for being debt-free. i also have a friend who's a personal stylist in chicago for neimens. he's going to try and find something and slip it in a bag to boston when he's in town to meet a client later this week. so ya, boston is apparently known as fat-city, they don't generally stock suits that small. i want to buy a tux because i'd like to start going to some of these charities, benefits and gay balls (hehe) i keep getting invited too. maybe i'll meet someone with simliar interests if i check out a charity function for something i believe in.

anywho, to top off the lousy day i lost one of the $275.00 custom shirts i had made a few years ago. i brought it with me to try on (if needed) but i never got to that point because none of the shops had anything smaller than a 38. all the stores were closed by the time i realized so i couldn't even go back and check and i can't for the life of me remember where i left the bag with the shirt inside. grr. i'll have to call them all today and hope someone found it. my full name is stitched on the inside but unfortunately i'm not in the phone book.

i asked john to be my date for the wedding but he doesn't think he can get the time off since his first week on the job is next weekend. uggg. i don't know who else to ask. i do not want to go to my sister's wedding stag, anyone know any local hotties who want a free meal and a night of dancing in the sticks? i'm tired of flirting with guys lately and getting rejected. no one takes me seriously and every guy i ask out seems to think they're not good enough, not thin enough, or not buff enough for me. i think i'll etch that on my tombstone: "his abs were too tight, his arms and heart were too big. he wouldn't sleep around. so he died alone." lol.

so speaking of death, i've been having a series of terrible nightmares lately since i've been taking melatonin at night. i think going to the gym every day is throwing off my sleep schedule off because i'm not like stressed or anything lately. i'm pretty content but when 11:45pm rolls around i can't seem to go to sleep. i'm still wide awake. so i've been taking the melatonin which is supposedly a natural chemical your body releases anyway to make you sleep. the extra kick puts me out but it also makes me have really hardcore vivid nightmares about real people in my real life and it's starting to freak me out. i wake up in the morning feeling doomed or really melancholy because every dream is always about death, or my friends or family are in some kind of danger. thankfully the physical jolt i get from riding my bike to work in the morning usually turns my mood around but it's been raining lately so i haven't had that. fortunatley i'm usually deliriously happy by the time i'm finished with my workout but as i said, i'm so alert i can't sleep.

so last night's nightmare was in my old apartment, they never seem to take place in my current condo, it's always some place i've been in the past. some people were holding us hostage. i was locked in my old bedroom alone and they took my phone and i thought about pretending to have to go to the bathroom so i could bang on this window that used to lead up to the sidewalk from our old shower (which was under the sidewalk believe it or not. lol.) but then i thought the bathroom door doesn't have a lock so they could get in and shoot me. i actually imagined getting shot and it freaked me out and then i thought, "okay i'm only imagining what could happen, i haven't tried to escape yet." then i thought, "ok, can i get out the bedroom window and climb the fence into the neighbors yard." so i imagined that and they had me trapped as i banged on the guy's door and they ended up shooting me in the neighbor's yard. again, it was only a dream within-a-dream. i was still in my room trying to think of a way out. so at this point i was kinda freaking out like, "oh god what if they hurt joel or kayla...and madey or courtney or marc or alan and even my brother peter was there with my sister as well. i haven't talked to madey, my former coworker in over a year, it was strange she was in the dream. i could hear them but they wouldn't let me see them. i kept freaking out trying to figure out how many guys there were. what was i going to do? how would i get out of this? but i kept feeling like there was no way out. there really was no way out. i didn't care if i died but i wanted to at least save everyone in the process and i had that helpless feeling you get when you really have no control over the situation. i eventually woke up soaked around 5:30 in the morning. strangely enough about 8 weeks ago i had a vivid dream that my coworker was pregnant and she told me last week she just found out she was. i hope this doesn't mean i'm going to be involved in some kind of hostage situation.

so on sunday we had this wild wind/thunderstorm with lots of lightening outside. i could hear the hvac system shifting as the building swayed. i had my stupid phone on vibrate so i missed stephen's call to go and see a movie. he wants to see that new lindsay lohan crap fest with me cuz he likes those kinds of movies. we've been trying to go on a date for like years and it never seems happen. he kinda scares me a little bit though. he's just so confident. i don't like overly confident people, they kinda freak me out a little. i always feel a little insecure for some reason.

the only thing i did on sunday was watch some tivo and go to the gym. i went to the gym where i ran into this guy who sent me a message like 3 months ago on some body building website i had a profile on but i haven't been back since. in fact i thought i canceled it because i've canceled almost all of the profiles i've had. it's just a waste of time. i'm going to cancel friendster next i just want to email a few friends first to get their email address'. so anyway, when i saw this guy at the gym i thought, "hey i wonder if he ever wrote me back after i responded to his e-mail." we basically both said in our first e-mail exchanges that we both thought the other had really kicked it up a notch at the gym and 'way to go'. etc. so when i was watching tv, i got an e-mail saying i had a new e-mail on that site. so as it turns out he did write me back but i must have lost the e-mail in one of the many e-mail failures i've had with my current isp. he was sending me another one saying, "i'm not stalking you really, but we should hang out some time and compare lifting notes." he also said he liked my gym clothes and wanted to know where i got them." interestingly enough i always thought he looked cute in his graphic t-shirts. i was just wearing my new superman blue track sweats with the white stripe down the side, they match my shoes and i happened to be wearing one of those new 50/50 american apparel t-shirts. not quite superman blue though. he said, "blue was my color." haha. i wrote him back with my e-mail address and closed down the profile on that site as well. i'd love to totally pick his brain because he has really strong legs and that's my weakness i want to know what he does.

so what else? umm. i shaved my balls and ass, went food shopping, ate some pineapple, did 4 loads of laundry and made a barbeque chicken sandwich with that new deli meat that tastes like buffalo chicken. mmm. good. then i talked to my online-friend adam who was all flirting with me now that he's moving to new york on friday. lol. why is it the guys i always think are mad cute never say anything to me cuz they don't like the way they look and couldn't possibly understand why i would like them? so they don't say anything and we both lose out. so hearing that got me really horny so i watched desperate housewives, jerked off and went to bed. lol.